I guess I've had a lot on my mind lately, and I let it all loose last night on Corey.

I've been a walking time-bomb, lately. It's taken almost nothing for him to set me off - a look, a comment, a twitch of the toe. Last night it all came to a head, and I finally was able to figure out all the things that have been sitting at the back of my head creating a little furnace of rage.

First, I wanted to go out for karaoke. Just by myself. I figured that Corey was going to bed around 9 or so anyway, and stupid me forgot to pay the phone bill so it was disconnected last night, and I wasn't going to have anything to do. So I told Corey I thought I might go out for a little while.

"Don't you ever plan anything?"

Then he proceeded to "get over it," and asked me where I was going. I told him I wasn't going anywhere. He asked what happened, so I told him that I didn't plan it, so I wasn't going anywhere, and I went in the kitchen and did the dishes.

He came in because (as is typical of me when I'm angry) there was a lot of noise coming from the kitchen. He asked what was wrong, and I told him nothing was wrong, I was washing the dishes.

And he kept on pushing. So I let him have it.

He complains that I don't plan anything. So I try to get things worked out before I talk to him, and then he complains that I never let him in on anything. WTF?!? So this is the message I'm getting:

I want you to make plans.
Don't make plans!

He's also been criticizing every aspect of my life. I don't do enough around the house, I don't spend enough time with the kids, I don't spend enough time with him, my work schedule is crappy, my sleep schedule is crappy.

All things that I could easily criticize HIM for, but I don't. At least, I didn't. I've been snide about every little thing about him lately, though, and I think it's a combination of being defensive about how he's picking at me and the stress of his recent string of injuries. I haven't been holding back, and I've really been striking out at him.

He shows any sign of panic while I'm driving?

"I'm not the one who wrecked the van or crashed a forklift into a pole, gimme some credit, would you?"

I need something done that requires more strength than I posess, and it's too much for his injured shoulder?

"Why is it that you can't call one of your little friends that always call on YOU for help?"

He's upset that he can't find a clean plate and asks when I'm going to do the dishes?

"When are you going to clean up the side yard I asked you take care of TWO MONTHS ago?"

He's "concerned" about this idea I've been entertaining about going back to school, and indirectly complains about not getting to go back himself?

"Unlike some people, I don't sit around whining about wanting to go to school while making excuses about why I can't go. I swear, you're just as bad as Paul and Christine!"

(I love you Christine, don't be mad at me!)

So yeah, it's been ugly. And so have I. But I feel a million times better, and a thousand times more loving towards Corey, than I did before last night's little blowout.

the last trail...the next path