I'm so frustrated. Any time I mention anything I might be interested in, someone is sure to be there to tell me that I'm incapable.

"Geez, you know, I'd really love to be on Survivor. I think I'd really enjoy it."

Note - I didn't say I'd win. I didn't even say I was going to even fill out the application. I just said that I thought it'd be great.

"You don't work out enough."

Well, fuck you too, Dad. Really appreciate your confidence, not that I was even asking for it. I said I thought it would be awesome. I didn't ASK your opinion. Oh, and by the way? You can take your little guilt trip and shove it up your ass. YOU made ME feel like crap first, so if your feelings are hurt, it's your own goddamn fault.

It's amazing that I have the confidence to try ANYTHING new. Every single time I've mentioned a desire to try anything that involves strength or emotion, I'm made to feel pathetic and weak. I'm more than you ALL think I am! You all suck! How can you sit there and make me feel bad, when you KNOW talking to me like that makes me feel bad, because I've fucking TOLD you!!!

It makes me feel like I'm not good enough at anything. I should just stay at home and raise kids, because apparently that's the only thing I can be trusted to do right.

The first thing the people I love most think is that I'm simply incapable. For all intents and purposes, they tell me that I just can't handle it. Well, FUCK. Maybe I could if anyone had any confidence in me BESIDES me.

Besides, Corey'd be sure to make me well aware of what a horrible mother I would be to leave the kids for 40 days, especially to try to win a million dollars that I'm too stupid and weak to win. It's enough to make me want to run away and prove otherwise. But why bother? I'd only end up proving them right. How can I believe in myself when no one else does?

the last trail...the next path