This has been a fairly miserable couple of days for me.

It started off when Corey threw a fit while people were here. This is not like him, mind you. After this display, I walked to the park with Alex, and this is what I wrote:

What kind of fool tells the one person who can hurt her worst that his preferred method of torture doesn't work anymore? The same kind of fool that wouldn't believe that the torture was unintentional. The same fool that was suckered into believing that the last thing he'd ever want to do is hurt her.

How could I be so stupid, letting him know that his lack of desire for me only leaves me frustrated, instead of sad and heartbroken? How the only thing that makes me sad is that I don't care that much anymore?

So clever of me, to leave myself open to newer, more creative methods for him to make me feel so bad. I should have kept my big, stupid mouth shut, and stayed content with letting him keep on thinking that he could burn me with his rejection. Not that he hadn't, on some level, already noticed. That must be why he started in with correcting me all the time. He's no different from any other man - he has that need to control, too. He just lets it manifest in more unique ways. The push to stay home, slamming every little job I considered. Now, the sudden push to take every job but the one I'm studying for, the one I actually WANT. Clinging when I want space, and drawing away when I want to be close. Making sure I know that I've turned him off. Accusing me of being "grumpy," even when I'm not. Getting mad at me for defending myself. Sometimes, I don't know why he doesn't just leave. And that load of shit about him taking the kids? Yeah, Right. He doesn't want anything to do with the them NOW. He can't deal with them without raising his voice or cussing at them. And to anyone who reads this, Fuck off! I know it's not every time! But it's often enough for me to make a generalization. Especially in my own thoughts.

If I had taken the van, would I have stopped at the park? Or would I have kept on driving?

I don't trust him with my feelings anymore. He no longer has free access to them.

Funny how I keep looking behind me - yet another indication of my foolishness. So silly of me to think he cares enough to come after me.

the last trail...the next path