I'm trying really hard to cling to the fact that my cousins were more like sisters than cousins, and that not having Rebekah here will be okay.

It's not. It's not okay. I'm not okay. I'm not okay with it.

We've missed out on so much of each other's lives. This isn't fair. What kind of son of a bitch makes someone take manager's responsibility, doesn't give them the pay that goes with it, and threatens their job if they don't do it anyway?

And I don't know what to think. Is EVERYONE going to bail on this thing? Did I just spend $900 on food that will only feed 20 people??? Did I spend $200 on a site that's going to get 2 hours of use? Am I getting ready to spend $175 on a DJ that is only going to play 5 dances? Am I going to spend however much it's going to cost to dress Corey and Alex for people who probably won't give a shit what they look like? Is Aunt Kim wasting her limited money on a huge wedding cake?

This is horrible. I wonder if I shouldn't just call the whole thing off. I'm sure Jenny would just let us eat at her restaurant twice a month for the next year or something. And my family can just have a really fancy camping trip in the mountains.

With an assload of cake.

It's bad enough that I was feeling abandoned by Christine, and I swear I'm not holding it against Rebekah that she can't come, but I can't help feeling abandoned again. Why is it that everyone that I thought I should be depending on isn't here for me?!?
I guess I haven't been faithful enough. Maybe God is punishing me because I didn't attend church every single Sunday, or didn't tithe enough, or didn't contribute to the new building. I've tried so hard to be grateful for all the good in my life, no, not just grateful, but to acknowledge that those things in my life are good.

I'm just still feeling that...I'm in this thing alone. Still. Which isn't fair to the two people who have actually given enough of a shit to help me out when I ask them to, the one not even having to be asked.

This is so much harder because I honestly thought that everyone would be here. I have supported both of my sisters the best I could. And SO has Corey. It was his idea to help Bek start her career, which, by the way, she's not even doing except on the side and mostly for family and for free. I told her I didn't want her to have to work on the big day, I wanted her to enjoy herself, and SHE offered to do my hair for me, I never asked and didn't WANT to ask and certainly didn't EXPECT her to offer. I accepted when she said that she'd be offended if I DIDN'T let her do it.

And nobody even cares. Nobody ever reads this anymore. Not even me.

the last trail...the next path